Anxiety with Gray | aquiet1's Blog

I hate gray.  Not the color, but the idea of it.  Ambiguity.  I dislike when there is no right or wrong.  I really get anxious when I look at something (like cleaning) and I have no rules for it.  I panic.  I need to think it through before I can even start.  My world needs systems.  My world needs rules.  When there are no rules, I feel VERY uneasy.  

Don't get me wrong.  I'm a leader.  In fact, I am a very successful leader.  Many people under me tell me my leadership skills are amazing.  Maybe it's because I am consistent and fair.  Black and White.  You know where you stand, and I keep my word.  I put systems in place and can alter them when necessary to adapt to change.  However, they are still systems I operate in.  

I have lots of clutter in my home.  I am working on alleviating it.  For the past 2 weeks I have had a goal to get the clutter off the kitchen floor.  I broke it into 5 sections.  I looked at it, studied it, became anxious.  Talked to my mentor about it.  I thought about it, I panicked.  I had no system and it looked gray to me.  Well, today I conquered it.  I finally had an acceptable plan.  I turned it into black and white and my floor no longer haunts me.  I hope this will get easier.  I think it's silly that I have this much anxiety over a kitchen floor. It's just a floor.  However, this is me.  I can't deny that.  The mask is off and this is who I am.  I'm just grateful to have such an amazing support system to help me with the gray.  

My husband tells me the whole world is gray and it makes me want to crawl into a hole.  I told him MY whole world can't be gray.  I can't deal with that.  It needs rules, systems, goals.  That's what I need to do - change the gray by separating the colors so it fits my world. :)